Lost Motivation to Live or in Life?

Bismillah.

 

#fiksi

 

"I always thought that I am kind of person who don't care about what other people are saying. But sometimes, there is a particular sentence that stuck to your mind, at it linger too long, waiting to be chewed and digested. As if even if I don't care, some words are just stucked there, and I try to bury it deep. But on some night, I wake up and think of that particular sentence.

 

Someone judge me, and sentenced me, as a person who lost motivation to live, but do I? At first I just want to laugh it, like a sarcastic laugh. What did you know about me? Only after meeting once, yet you sent that bullet straight. Not enough, you put the salt on the wound, saying I haven't been move on on life, as if I was still stuck with my past.

 

Normally, I would just shrug off that kind of comment, and forget. But maybe because I was emotional at that time, those sentence remain on my hidden drawer. And on the night like this, I open it again, trying to do whatever I need to do. I need to chew and digest it, and maybe spit it out, or chose to just swallow it. If it is a lie, I should just throw it far away from life. But if it is the truth, then I must swallow that bitter truth and choose to face it then move forward."

 

***

 

Dibacanya tulisan itu perlahan, tapi fokusnya bukan pada isinya. Lebih pada koreksi grammar. Satu, dua, dan beberapa koreksi ia lakukan. Setelah selesai, ia membaca ulang, kebiasaan mereview ulang apa yang sudah ia koreksi.

 

Dikirimnya dua paragraf itu yang sudah dikoreksi itu. Ia tambahkan PS di bawahnya,

 

"In a world where AI can help you check and correct your grammar, why do you ask me to do it? Is there anything else you want me to read? I'm all ears, or eyes, since I'm not literally listening to you"

 

Tak lama menunggu, beberapa kalimat ia kirim.  

  

"I don't lost motivation to live. I just don't have any ambition like the young me had.

I don't stuck on my past. I just wandering cause my goals aren't clear, or it is clear and I am too lazy to fight it.

But some say nobody is lazy, they're just lacking motivation. So does that mean it is true that I lost motivation in life?"

 

Penyakit grammar police, membuat ia gatal ingin memperbaiki kalimatnya. Tapi yang pengirim minta bukan koreksi. Kali ini yang dibutuhkannya adalah pendengar pembaca yang baik, yang membaca dengan empati. Bukan membaca untuk berkomentar. Tapi membaca untuk mengerti, kemudian mengambil aksi yang barangkali bisa membuat pengirim pesan tersebut merasa dimengerti.

 

Tapi sebagai sosok yang tidak terlalu pandai berempati, akhirnya ia memilih untuk jujur saja.

 

"Lost motivation to live" and "Lost motivation in life" hold two different meaning. This time you use both of them. Can you just explain it in our native language instead? Perhaps, that would make you feel better. Cause honestly, I am afraid of giving a wrong response to you, and lost the chance to become a good listener.

 

Jujur, bahwa ia tidak mengerti maksud dari frase yang terlihat menakutkan, entah dirinya yang parno, atau overthinking. Jujur bahwa ia takut salah memberi respon, lalu pintu komunikasi tersebut tertutup lagi. Seperti beberapa tahun yang lalu, saat pengirim memilih untuk menghilang dan memutus komunikasi.

 

Ia menunggu balasan dengan sabar, terlihat bahwa sosok yang di sana sedang mengetik. Memperhatikan hilang munculnya notifikasi mengetik membuat dia membayangkan sosok pengirim, sudah lama mereka tidak bertemu muka.

 

***

 

Sepekan berlalu sejak pertanyaannya tentang perbedaan "lost motivation in life" dan "lost motivation to live". Alih-alih mendapat penjelasan yang lebih terang, yang ia dapatkan justru penolakan halus. Padahal pintunya sudah hampir terbuka, mungkin responnya salah, sehingga bukannya mempersilahkannya masuk, ia justru meminta maaf kemudian menutup kembali pintunya. Membuat ia terpaku di depan pintu itu sendiri.

 

"Next time, maybe, I'll tell you more... Makasih ya udah bantu benerin grammarnya."