30

Bismillah.

 

-Muhasabah Diri-

 

I was already planning to write about this. Cause it's not the first time she remind me of that number. But I didn't know that kind of reminder would come again this morning in an impactful way.

Of course I cry, it's never easy whenever someone else pointed out our own fault, mistakes, shortcoming. The feeling of sadness and fear increase immediately, and those water just fall down naturally. I wish it's a good sign, I wish it is a sign that my heart is still alive.

I feel the love she have for me. I feel she also feeling afraid and worry about me. Cause here I am in my 30, still struggling and haven't really wake up. That's why she shook me up with that reminder. She want goodness for me. She always do. Just like how her dua always flow to the sky, every night, when most of the people sleep.

***

Right now, I can only cry and write here. But I hope that 'alarm' will really wake me up. I hope it doesn't turn into a frown, or grow negative feeling inside. I hope I know for sure that it's already 30, I shouldn't keep sleeping and stay here forever.

I hope I protect my heart, remind myself, that I should do anything for the sake of Allah and not other people. I hope I will not be sad, upon the expectation of human being. I hope I understand her language of love. I hope Allah protect her heart too.. cause I know, it is weighing on her too.

Ya Allah.. Ya Muqallibal Qulub. Tsabbit qulubana 'ala dinik. Ya Mustarrifal qulub, tsarrif qulubana 'ala tha'atik. Jaga hatinya dan hatiku ya Allah. Sungguh, tidak ada yang bisa menjaga hati kami selain Engkau. Rabbi inni massaniyadh dhurr, wa arhamarrahimin.

Wallahua'lam.