Don't Read to Judge

Bismillah.

 

*Warning* Don't read. Just a ramble I need to write it out of my head.

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Aku banyak menulis di sini keraguanku, rasa takutku, kekhawatiranku, perasaan-perasaan negatifku. But please don't read it if it's just to judge me. I have already judged by mi cloudy brain. I've been feeling so low trying to get up everytime I fall.

It hurts me more when you acknowledge and check all the bad thing I hope I am not, or all the negative I wish I clean up. It made me even more hard on myself.

 

So even if I don't immediately deny, or ask you to stop judging me... actually I am starting to question myself.

 

Am I really that bad? Do I really memorize just to memorize? Do I go to a good place just to be seen as a good people?

 

No... please. Don't judge me like that! Even if I am.. can you just please be kind and pray for me? Cause I.. I'm really afraid if that's the truth. I never want to be a part of people who wants to borrow light on the day of judgement. Neither do I want to be a liar whose good deed blown like a dust.

I also want to be a good person, I also want to be a tree with a sweet fruits. But as you can see, I am just a tree trying to survive the dry / cold season. I wish I could meet the spring, grow a new leaf, bloom flowers and give people a sweet fruit.

So, please don't read to judge. Can you be kind, and help me? Cause I'm struggling right now. 

Wallahua'lam.