Unsent Letter

Bismillah.

 

Hi R****m, I hope you're okay there.. I don't know why you deactivated your account. And I'm kinda overthinking about it. I know I can't send this letter. But let me just write it for me. Maybe.. maybe, though it's almost impossible, you'll find this and know, that it's from me, Blue.

 

*** 

An unpredictable weekend is good, better than a boring weekend. And I agree that managing our mental health should be our priority, especially if we know, we have some problem with it. Just don't feel ashamed to talk about it. It's important to accept and honest about it with yourself, and don't be afraid to be judge. Especially from me, we're just stranger. And for me, it is the easier thing to do, talk 'everything' about myself to a stranger. I think I also have write about it.. You can read it here: "Yang Lebih Sulit"

So you "read" Mark Manson book on podcast? I thought you read it in pages of books. Yeah, listening to audio book is easier sometimes. I just not familiar with podcast, don't install spotify app too.. that's why it's more comfortable to read. But I do ever listen to audio book of Habit, the translation one, on google podcast.

***

For blogs, my first motivation is I love writing, and it is the first platform I know since Junior High School. After some high and low.. a found a new motivation too.. I want to share goodness through word. I want to have place that I can express my mind, my feeling, also my experience. There's some days that I don't like writing, those days, I read other blog, blogwalking. In one phase of my life, writing become something that I need. That's why I keep writing. It's personal blog, don't have a niche. But if you're more interested reading a niche blog, you can read my Medium, I import mostly post about book from this blog.

 

***

 

What is posum? It's a new diction for me. I thought it was a kind of... I don't know, but when I googled it, I know I'm wrong. So you love to watch animal content? I watch some too.. The latest videos that I remember is about seal rescue.

***

For me, productivity is producing something that is meaningful and can benefit other. It's not about money. When I say, I feel like I'm not productive, it's because I consume so much content, without processing or producing anything. I have so many ideas of content I want to make, but for now, it's just day dream, why? Cause it's just on my head, and I don't really plan to execute it. It's easier to write about it, than to actually do it. I hope I'm not included as someone that Allah's hate. (QS Shaff: 2-3)

I think human will always struggle to become more productive. It's good when we acknowledge that we're not as productive as we could. But it's better, when that realization makes us move. It will not be an instant trip. It's a journey that we'll have to take. 

 

***

About your story, walking through social media to find "the one". I think I understand your point of view. It's natural. Especially you're on that age. I do have that phase too when I was young. But instead of focusing "who", and "how" we meet "the one". It's more important to focus on our growth and destination we want to reach in our life. Later, you'll meet many people that also have the same destination. And one of them maybe "the one" for you.

And this is not something I learn one time. I read a lot books about love, non-fiction, when I am in that phase. It boarden my perspective. And it make me less anxious.

So I agree... with your shift mindset. Instead of looking for "the one" in these type of social media. You should just look for a friend to talk and learn from each other, whether they're young or old, whether they're man or women, whether they're single or married.

***

Progress.. I still in a comfort zone where I write more in blogs. So my step progress will be finalizing the topic that I want to write in my draft. Selecting and sorting post from my blogs in that topic. Maybe contact an editor or mentor, or someone I trust, for a feedback. Send the draft to publisher. And look for alternative, like a self-publishing.

***

Word up, I just google that app. I think it's a good app. For english I actually need grammar correction. For vocab, I can just google translate it, if I can't find the english word from my brain. That's how I build up my vocab. I also know many new vocab from reading and watching content in english.

Writing in english is exhausting for me too. I need more effort. But strangely, I build a habit to always speak english in mind, and write in english if I speak about personal topic, something that I want to keep to myself.

 

Ah, I want to write in full Indonesia too actually. I kinda mix it in most of my blog post. A mentor once asking me, why you write in two language, when I show him my draft book some years ago, and it made me insecure. I know his concern. But I kinda conflicted how I want to write my draft. I mean, I read Rene Suhardono book (Your Journey to be #UltimateU2), and he use dual language too.. also write quotes in latin, I think.

***

Thank you for telling me about your existential crisis, it's not easy to tell someone about that kind of experience. And I might can't understand fully. But I know how hurt it is when we expect so much from people (especially the closest one to us), but they react differently. But as a third person, I can also imagine why your dad react that way. It's not that he's ashamed, he might just didn't know how to react. Father is always a father, they teach through tough love, they usually can't express well, compare to mother. 

Esential life is also a good dream. Building a good family especially, it's really important in this era, when the world told us to become so individualist. I've been taught and believe that to change the world, we need to change ourselves first, and then build a good family.

 

This "small dream" it might sound far away, for some people, but just don't give up on yourself. I suddenly remember how Ibrahim 'alaihi salam, expelled from his house, he's alone, but he pray not only for himself. He wants the goodness he knew, for the world too.. I think it's in Asy Syu'ara/Asy Syura.

 

***

Last, I hope you're now in a good condition. And surround yourself with good people. Have a good life, and always stay close to Allah. People and the world will always disappoint you. Allah won't.

--

Blue

Allahua'lam.