The Quranic Essence of Parenting

Bismillah.

Transkrip khutbah dari ustadz Nouman Ali Khan: The Quranic Essence of Parenting

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وَالَّذِي قَالَ لِوَالِدَيْهِ أُفٍّ لَكُمَا أَتَعِدَانِنِي أَنْ أُخْرَجَ وَقَدْ خَلَتِ الْقُرُونُ مِنْ قَبْلِي وَهُمَا يَسْتَغِيثَانِ اللَّهَ وَيْلَكَ آمِنْ إِنَّ وَعْدَ اللَّهِ حَقٌّ فَيَقُولُ مَا هَذَا إِلا أَسَاطِيرُ الأوَّلِينَ (17) أُولَئِكَ الَّذِينَ حَقَّ عَلَيْهِمُ الْقَوْلُ فِي أُمَمٍ قَدْ خَلَتْ مِنْ قَبْلِهِمْ مِنَ الْجِنِّ وَالإنْسِ إِنَّهُمْ كَانُوا خَاسِرِينَ (18) وَلِكُلٍّ دَرَجَاتٌ مِمَّا عَمِلُوا وَلِيُوَفِّيَهُمْ أَعْمَالَهُمْ وَهُمْ لَا يُظْلَمُونَ (19

QS. Al Ahqaf ayat 17-19

Allahumma la taj'alna minadzalimin. Rabbishrahli sadri wa yassirli amri wahlu uqdatammillisani yafqahu qauli. Wallahumma tsabbitna indal mauti bi laa ilaha illallah. Wallahummaj'alna minalladzina amanu watawashau bil haqqi watawashau bishabri. Aamiin Ya Rabbal 'alamin.

Today's khutbah is inspired by an overwhelming number of parents that I have had conversations with, and I've had conversation with them here in the United States, here in our local community. I've had almost the same conversations in different part of Europe, also similarly the different parts of the Muslim world, the Arab world, even in places like Sri Lanka, or Malaysia. The conversation are somewhat different but overall they're exactly the same. And I wanted to take this opportunity in this khutbah to remind myself and to remind all the parents that are here, of a certain realities that Allah makes very very clear. They're not easy realities, but they are clear realities. This khutbah is dedicated to two audiences. It's dedicated on the one hand to parents and it's also on the other hand dedicated to their children, so those of you that are listening as parents also at the same time listen as offsprings of your parents.

Example not Theory about Parenting in Quran

Allah azza wajall describes in many places, the relationship between parents and children by the way of examples. So instead of talking about the theory of parenting, Allah gives many many case studied of parents and their children.

The Case of Ibrahim

So you have some amazing examples, for instance, you have the case of Ibrahim 'alaihi salam whose father and some argue uncle, but the linguistically still father. Azhar built idols, he actually the source of a lot of idol worship in his town. And his son grows up to be the great leader of the concept of tauhid, and the iman in Allah azza wajall, that all of faith, all of monotheistic faiths attributes themselves to in one way or the other. As a matter of fact, all of Islam is called the millata Abikum Ibrahim, the religion of your father Ibrahim. So on the one hand you have a pretty messed up dad, in simple language, and you have an amazing son. And it's not like the son had an amazing environment, a supportive environment where his iman fostered and things like that. It was a pretty corrupt environment, everybody around him is worshipping idols. There's nobody who thinks like he does. As a matter of fact, he stands alone and he's considered kind of rebel, you know, he criticized these idols and he's kicked out of his house also.

So the first thing that I wanted to highlight in this examples is that one's iman, a young man's faith or a young woman's faith according to Allah azza wajall isn't always depended on the environment. A lot of times we blame the environment. What can we do, we're living in America. What can we do, they go to public school. What can we do, they're in a bad situation. So of course they're going to be impacted by that. Yeah, that's too true to an extent. But there's a reason Allah gave us this example.

This is the journey of Ibrahim 'alaihi salam before he become a prophet. Revelation is a later situation, first and foremost, he start questioning and exploring, and starts criticizing things that are happening around him. What that tells us is, Allah azza wajall enabled human being, each and everyone of them, regardless of what situation or what society they're part of, to think for themselves. If they chose to follow everybody else and never think for themselves, that's on them. They don't get to say, "Well, what can I do? I was on blinding environment". No! Allah gave you eyes. Allah gave you the ability to see for yourself.

The Case of Yaqub and His Sons

But on the flipside of this, you also have another instances. And to me, one of the unique instances is the case of Yaqub 'alaihi salam who has, you could argue two sets of children, good kids and bad kids. It's the same father. And those some tried to argue. I think it's completely inappropriate to think that Yaqub 'alaihi salam is anything sort of a great father. He's a prophet and prophet are known for their fairness, for their goodness, for their ihsan to all people, especially their own family. So it's unimaginable for us to think that he was a good father to Yusuf and maybe to Benyamin, the youngest one, and he was not a such good dad to the other sons. That doesn't make any sense. He's a father and he's doing best to raise his children, and he's actually later on, if you studies Surah Yusuf carefully, he's even giving good counsel and good advice to those sons that rebelled against. So, there's no reason to think he had a double standard.

The point I'm trying to make is, he as a father and a head of a household as a parent did everything he could to provide a good environment and a good education to his children. And yet, the result that came are completely different, they're actually polar opposites.

On the one hand, and what makes it more interesting is that Yusuf 'alaihi salam was separated from him at a very early age and so he's no longer has a good influence. Yusuf 'alaihi salam no longer has parental influence as he's becoming a young man as he's growing up in a society. We learned that Allah azza wajall had given him a lot of, you know, good looks, Allah had given him high intelligence, great character, but he's living in a corrupt society in the house of a politician. He's basically a young servant who has no parental supervision. He could do whatever he wants, in a sense within that sphere of his. And on top of that, later on he was called on wrong doing. So he's in one bad environment, and by the way, from there he ends up even in a worse environment, inside of a prison. The people around you in prison aren't the best of people. So he's going from one bad environment to another bad environment. When people are in that kind of a bad environment for a really long time, you would imagine they're going to come out messed up. Something's gonna happened to them. They're going to pick up the traits and the qualities of that sick environment that's around them. Of course that didn't happen with him, he retained his pure character.

But if you contrast that with other siblings who are actually living in the household of a prophet, they live in the best possible environment. Can you imagine, your father is a prophet, you couldn't possibly be parented and be offered a better opportunity to be guided and to be raised right. And yet his brothers scheme and they lie and they back fight, and they do these things for many-many years, and they're actually disrespectful to their father as well, for no fault of the father himself.

So the point I tried to make thus far is that you have parents, on the one hand doing nothing, like the case of Azhar, doing nothing, and yet the 'product' is amazing, Ibrahim 'alaihi salam. On the other hand, you have the case of Yaqub 'alaihi salam who does everything, and the product is sometimes awesome like Yusuf 'alaihisalam or not, like the other siblings who for many years were in rebellion.

The Case in Suratul Kahf

When you study the end of Suratul Kahf, you find a story of a young men who have a career, they make a living by fishing, by going out at sea. But after that, after talking about young man who are trying to earn an honest living interestingly, there are two other stories. And these both stories are about young kids.

One young boy is killed and the reason given later on is actually this child when he grew up, he was going to be a terror and a horror to his parents. And it's interesting that when we are told about his parent is.. Fakana abawahu mu'minaini (QS Al Kahfi : 80). His parents were both righteous, good believer. So these two good parents were going to raise a child to the best of their ability and he was going to be a horror for them. He was going to give them a really hard time in life. Thughyanan wa kufran, quran would describe it as, rebellion and disbelief. He's going to be a horrible rebel againts his parents, even though they did nothing wrong in raising him.

On the flip side of it, you have a couple of the orphan boys, who we don't know anything about. You know, Musa 'alaihi salam was told to build this wall, he has no idea why he's building it. Eventually when the rationale is offered to him, why did you build this wall is actually about these boys whose father was a good man, wakana abuhuma shalihan (QS Al Kahfi : 82). Their father was a good man, who died a while ago, now these kids are orphaned, they're being raised on the street and yet Allah azza wajall wants them to have a good life down the road, like He's securing their future down the road.

What I'm trying to get at is that in this life, as far as our children are concerned, we have absolutely no control. We have responsibility but no control, we have to understand the difference between those two things. I have responsibility to my parents, I cannot control my parents. I have responsibility to my children until a certain age, until they reach the age when they're become baligh, when they're considered adults by Allah. That means when they're standing in front of Allah, Allah will not come and ask you first, He'll ask them directly, because kulluhum atihim yaumal qiyamahi fardan (QS Maryam : 95). Everyone will come before Allah individually, all alone, nobody else.

So as we raised our kids, when they get to a certain point, our love for them doesn't go away, our du'as for them doesn't go away, our concern of them doesn't go away. But is Allah going to hold you responsible for the mistake they make? No. The best of your ability you try to give advice, and then you have to back off.

This is something even the Messenger of Allah shalallahu 'alaihi wasalam, the man who had the greatest qualities in every sense of the world, the greatest husband, the greatest leader, the greatest of all prophet, the greatest father. And what does he say to his daughter? Ya Fatimah bintu Muhammad. He says, Fatimah daughter of Muhammad. Ittaqillah. You need to be cautious of Allah, fa inni la amliku laki minallahi syai'a. I no doubt will have no authority to make any case on your behalf in front of Allah. You'll have to stand on your own. I know you're my daughter, but even that doesn't get you anywhere, even that's not enough. You're going to have to stand on your own merits in front of Allah.

This is an important teaching that we need to understand. We cannot change the environment of our children and expect that they're going to come out perfect. We cannot, later on, start getting frustrated with them when they change, when they make bad decisions. Because a lot of our kids will make bad decisions, like we made bad decisions. You and I made bad decisions. We disappointed our parents, they couldn't control everything we did. We also gave them a hard time.

So, what Allah azza wajall does in the Quran is He describe a scenario. And these examples that I wanted to give you, was first to help me remember, and you remember that our children are simply an amanah from Allah. A trust given by Allah azza wajall. How well did we try to raise them, did we do our part, that's all. Nuh 'alaihi salam is not questioned for how he raised his sons, as messed up as his son was, as rebellion as his son was. He did his part as a father, he did what he could, the rest is between his sons and Allah azza wajall. But that doesn't mean that we don't love our kids.

Children Rebelling Out of Control

Like I told you, lots of conversation of especially mothers, and sometimes father too, who come in pain, in tears, telling me how they raised their children. They made them memorize the Quran, they sent them to a Sunday school, they put them in islamic school. They moved from one city to another, took a pay cut, sometimes even lost their business just so they can bring their children into a nicer Muslim community, so they can have the environment. Everything was great, this kids, he was respectful, so loving, so kind, such a perfect kid. You know? And all of a sudden, something happened to him and now he doesn't pray, and he talks back to his parents. And she stays out late at night, and when you try to question them they snapped. I don't know what to do, I can't even recognize if it's the same kids. Where do I go? What do I do? And that's happening over and over again with hundreds, thousands if not millions of families. Children rebelling out of control.

Now there are lots of reason for that happening, but like I said, first and foremost, this khutbah is directed at two audience, parents and their kids. I want to share with you this scenario that children that were raised by good parents rebelling and then completely becoming different people. Like the parents can't even recognize you, "I can't believe you're the same child."

I've seen cases where sons have hit their mothers, they physically assaulted their mothers. I've seen cases where children have threatened their parents, curse at their parents, you know? Stolen from their parents. All kind of things. How did things get to this? Or come to them and say, "Oh well, you know, I don't call you anymore because I don't believe in Islam. I don't pray, and I don't really believe in religion anymore, etc". And those parents, they completely shattered, not one, literally thousands of them.

How does Allah describe the scenario, in a few words. Allah azza wajall says, walladzi qala li walidaih (QS Al Ahqaf : 17), as for the one who said to both of his parents, uffillakuma, I've had it enough with both of you, uffillakuma. I would not translated this as "woe unto you". It's a son who's listening to advice, the mother keep telling him, "shalli..shalli.. Shalli.." She keeps coming to say, "Just pray, just pray", "can you stop doing that," just you know, "come home earlier". She keeps giving him advice, advice, advice, advice. And he's had it, he doesn't want to hear it anymore. So he just said, "ENOUGH! Come on! Stop it already!". Uffilakuma, both of you, I've had it. Atta idanini ukhraja, you keep promising me that I'm gonna come out of my grave? Waqad khalatil quruni min qabli. So many people have died before, nobody comes back. Get over this hell heaven thing. Let me live with my life! I just wanna live my life. I just want to be happy, ok? Why are you guys always talking to me about (deen). Ok, fine! If I have to burn in hell, it's my problem, what do you have to do with it? And slams the door and walks out. This is the scene. That's not a new scene. This is happening for thousands of year.

So what are the parents? Wahumma yastaghitsanillahi. They're begging. The mother is crying at night praying in tears. Ya Allah, my child, my child, my son, my son, my daughter.. What do I do? She used to wear the hijaab. She used to memorize the Quran. Now she's completely becoming a different person. I don't even know what she's up to. You know? Where she goes, who she hangs out with. I found drugs in her room. She smelled like alcohol the other day. Ya Allah, what do I do? Yastaghitsanillah. Istighats is actually means when a town is desperate, it hasn't had any rain and it's drying and drought. And people desperately turn to Allah for a miraculous rain. Wahuma yastaghitsanillah means they were asking for a miracle from god himself. Change something in my life, help me with this.

And they turned to this boy and say, wailaka amin. Curse you, believe!! The parents have had it too. They can't keep giving soft loving advice. Wail is not a soft word to use. It's actually one of the name of one of the worst places in hell. But outside of that, in arabic literature, wail is used as a horrible, horrible curse against somebody. And when they say, wailaka, curse you, in a sense. Damn you. Why are they saying that?

This child, this most beloved thing, product of their love. This child that they raised with so much sacrifice and so much concern. You know, the one you love the most can cause you the pain the most. This child has cost them so much pain, that at this point, instead of making du'a for them, it's just, the ugliest words even come out of the parents now. Even parents start saying horrible, horrible, horrible things out of frustration. Mothers have done it. Fathers have done it. In the middle in the heat of an argument with their children. Just said some really terrible terrible things. Quran captures it. Wailaka amin. Believe! Why don't you believe? Why can't you just be a normal kid? Why can't you be like everyone else, why can't you be like Yusuf? Why do you have to be like this?

You know, and this kid, by the way, it's remarkable that Allah captures reality not in idealistic terms. He captures it in pragmatic, like exactly how things play out. He turns back, and he says, fayaqulu ma hadza illa asathirul awwalin. This is nothing but old stories.

The mothers start quoting an ayah from the Quran, or telling him about this prophet, or telling you about this hadith. "Can you keep this old stuff to yourself? I don't need this anymore. Thank you very much. I don't want none of this. You keep this stories. And you tell them to somebody who cares. Tell them, somebody who's interested." Subhanallah.. Ma hadza illa asthirul awwalin.

Some of you, as you listening to this, you've actually experienced something like this. You've lived it. Some of you are living in that horror in your homes, Everytime the son walks in, there's argument between the parents and the children.

My first address is to the children. Understand the crime you've committed against your parent isn't a small one. That is not a small crime. Ulaikalladzina haqqa 'alaihimul qaul (Al Ahqaf : 18), those are the people that the word, meaning the verdict of punishment is rightfully deserved by those young people. Fi umamin qad khalat min qablihim minal jinni wal insi. This is the same story for all kinds of nation of jin and human beings. Rebellion has always been there. Innahum kanu khasirin. They're always been looser. You will not win in life. You will hurt your parents, you'll rebel against them, you'll run away from them. You'll do whatever you'll feel like doing, thinking "I'm just living my life, let me breath". You'll never find happiness, you'll always be looser. You'll always find yourself in loss. Because of the suffering you caused your parents. It's okay for you to have doubts, it's okay for you to question why are we following this religion, that's fine. But the way in which you dealt with your parents was merciless. They gave you love, care and mercy, and you gave nothing but pain in return. Innahum kanu khasirin.

And you may not be like the example that was just given. So what does Allah Himself do? Walikulli darajatummimma 'amilu (QS Al Ahqaf : 19). And for everybody is according to the degrees that they did. In other words, some people are extremely rebellious. Some people are not praying anymore or some people are doing some haram things in life. And they're rebelling. Some people have left Islam all together, and they were cursing Islam, cursing the Prophet, cursing the Quran, that's happening too. According the degree of your crime, Allah will deal with you. So even though Allah has given one scene, in a sense the worst case scenario, it doesn't mean everybody fits in this scenario. Allah Himself acknowledge that inside walikulli darajatummimma 'amilu. Waliyuwaffiyahum a'malahum wahum la yuzhlamun. They're going to be compensated fully for whatever they did. They're not going to be the ones that are wronged.

Dealing with Children Rebel

But now I turn my attention as I close to the parents that may be going through this kind of suffering. May Allah azza wajall protect all of our parents from over having to see these difficult days. But first and foremost, this is a reality that even prophets were not spared. Nuh 'alaihi salam has to face it, you know? You have Yaqub 'alaihi salam had to face it, right? Ibrahim 'alaihi salam was terrified at it, even though he had fantastic sons. He was terrified of it. He made du'a about it. You know? Wajnubni wa baniyya an na'budal ashnam (QS Ibrahim : 35), keep me and my children from ever falling into the worship of idols. That's the du'a of Ibrahim 'alaihi salam. So it's not like we're ever going to be free from that concern.

But I will tell you one thing, in the ayah there's an isyarah. There's an indication. When your son is 18, 19, 20, 25, 28, 30. He's an adult, maybe a young adult, maybe a very immature adult, maybe one that made horrible terrible mistakes in life. But then again, he's still still an adult, and when that child, or that man, or that woman is an adult, and they're making mistakes in life, what is your role? You and I have to remember, rufi'ul qalam, the pen has been lifted. As far as our responsibility is concerned, our job was to raise them to the point where they become adults. Once they are adults, they are directly responsible to Allah.

The more you try to control them at that age, the more you tell them what to do, the more you try to tell your 18 years old, your 20 years old, your 25 years old to pray, pray, pray, the farther they will run from the prayer. The more annoyed they will become, they will actually distance themselves from you. They will want nothing to do with you. They will see you, the mother who loves them, but as soon as they see you, you haven't even opened your mouth. "Here we go, mom's gonna start her lecture about prayer again. Mom's gonna give me a whole talk about how I need to make taubah, or how I need to stop talking to this girl. Or how I need to stop, Oh god! You know? I'm not even coming over, I'm just going to go out. I don't want to deal with it." And the mom says, "I'm trying to do dakwah. What you want me to do? Not do dakwah? Not incite my child? Not make them better?" Well.. Actually, the way you're doing it is making things worse. The way you're doing it is making things worse.

Understand that there are two levels of relationship you have with your children, especially when you they get older. There's a spiritual relationship in which you're trying to give them advice, naseeha, counsel, that's a spiritual relationship. And then there's an emotional relationship. A mother is a mother. She loves her children no matter if he's the worst human being on earth, she's still gonna love her child. And that child, that son, doesn't matter if he becomes 45, he still wants emotional support from his mom. He still turns to his mother for love and care. He still should feel like no matter who turns me away, my mother will never turn me away. These two things, your role as a spiritual guide, a spiritual counselor, and your role as a father, two separate things. You have to keep those two things separate.

And sometimes when our children rebell and go away from Allah, then they don't need you to be a da'i. They don't need you to give them spiritual advice. Because that will push them further away. They just need you to be a mom right now. Just make them food, don't talk about deen for a while, don't bring it up. Because you know the last ten times you brought it up what happened? You should learn from your own experiences advice. The father, don't lose your cool, don't start complaining. He comes, the son comes home once in a month, and that one month the father says, "Oh, you finally show up?" And he says, "This is why I don't come. Cause you talk like this." And he walks out again. What did you gain? What did you gain?

This is why you'll understand that when Yaqub 'alaihi salam was brought a shirt dirty with blood, and he knew that his sons were lying, he knew it. He understood that, right now I can do nothing about this situation. So the words that came out of his mouth are forever going to resonate for any parent who has adult children that are out of control. Fashabrun jamil wallahu musta'an 'ala ma tashifun (QS Yusuf : 18). The only thing beautiful left now is patience. I need to demonstrate beautiful (patience).

There's such a thing as ugly patience by the way. But he needs to demonstrate beautiful patience. He needs to keep a smile, maintain at least the emotional part of the relationship. "How are you doing son? Are you eating well? Is everything okay?" Don't bring up deen. Just maintain the relationship. Why? Why am I saying that? Because syaitan will come to that foolish young man, or that foolish young woman, and say to them, "Your parents hate you, they always criticize you, they're always nagging you, they're always lecturing you. Forget them! Live your life. Get away, they don't love you. If they love you will they talk to you like this?" And he or she's going to go far and far and far away.

Your job as a parents now, perhaps more difficult that tough waking up in the middle of the night and changing their diapers, and taking them to the hospital when their fever spikes at 2 in the morning. You know? And taking care of their school and getting them ready. All all those exhausting years that you know, that was actually easier.

What you're being asked to do now is much harder, to demonstrated beautiful patience, and maybe to find other sources to give them advices. Not you. Maybe somebody else need to talk to them. By the way, sometimes our children they're programmed at a certain age and you and I was like this too. You'll take advice from anyone except if it comes from your father. If it comes from your father, you're annoyed before he even open his mouth. You're agitated. Your mother says watch this video, listen to this here, listen to this. "Oh god! Here she goes again." You know, there are people who come up to me, "I hate you!". Like, what did I do? "Because my mother makes me watch your video all the time, I can't stand you". Please don't make your kids watch my videos. Please, I'm telling you.. You're pushing them farther away. It doesn't help. You can't shove religion down their throats. Just be parent, just be parent. As painful as it is, as rebellious as they've become, they need something else from you.

The Case of Luqman

At this point, so I leave you with the following.. Even with Luqman, who's probably the longest passage on parenting in the Quran. There's no other place in the Quran that deals with the subject of parenting as exhaustively and even that's brief. But the case of Luqman radhiyallahu anhu, but look at how Allah azza wajall describe it. Just one part of it. Idzqala luqmanu libnihi wahuwa ya'idzuhu (QS Luqman : 13). There's a lot of conditions, when at the very moment when Luqman said to his son, while he was in a position to counsel him. In other words, Luqman doesn't just give his son lecture after lecture after lecture. He finds the right time, the right opportunity. He thinks of a strategic opportunity and then he brings up. Ya bunayya la tusyrik billah. My son, take Allah seriously, don't do shirk with Allah. He doesn't just throw that lecture on his son constantly. He's actually, haliya wahuwa ya'idzuhu suggesting he was very strategic. If the opportunity presents itself, well then good. If it doesn't then take your time, be patience.

Parent that are in this audience already know. You've already have many conflicting arguments and discussions. You've already had fights with.. Somebody stormed out of the house or yelled and screamed or slammed the door. You already know that if you're going to have that conversation start again, it's gonna end up the same way. Be smart about it! Don't walk into that same trap again. I never want to be the kind of parent that has to say, wailaka amin, to get to the point where I lose it and I start cursing, and I start yelling and screaming at my children. And I never want to hear from my children, this religion is nothing but old stories. And they're not saying it because they're disbelieve in religion. They're saying it because they're annoyed with their parents. They can't take it anymore. This conflict, this tension needs to be brought down.

May Allah azza wajall make us wiser parents, and make us more obedient children.

May Allah azza wajall soften the hearts of both parents and children towards Allah's Deen.

And May Allah azza wajall ease the suffering of the families that are having problems with their children.

And May Allah azza wajall gives the children the sense and the guidance to come back and make taubah.

Barakallahuli walakum fil Quranul Hakim, wa nafa'ni wa iyyakum bil ayati wa dzikril hakim.

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PS: Yang teks merah, ga yakin bener atau ga dengernya.

PPS: Tadinya niat nulis resume dan highlightnya dengan bahasa indonesia, tapi stuck di dua tulisan. sulit untuk menulis bagian pembahasan surat Al Ahqaf-nya. Yang mau baca bisa cek di : Iman Seorang Pemuda di Lingkungan yang Bobrok, dan Have Responsibility But No Control